Ten hour workdays tend to seem kind of long to me and although some people tell me it could be worse, and I’m sure it could, I can see that they are starting to wear me down. The very thought that I have to go to another ten hours of work tommorow, is frightening. The only thing redeeming about that is that I work a 40 hour work week in four days, and get the whole weekend off. I’ve probably been rather agiting toward those people close to me in my life because of my new schedule and some of those people seem to be constantly upset with me because of it. I’m sure I’ll get used to it soon enough and things will calm back down.

I can’t tell what I feel about tommorow. I know I feel something, whether it’s dread, anxiety, excitement, afraid … I really wish I had a clue. Guess I’ll find out when tommorow … er … the next day time comes.

Oh god there are so many things right now I need and can’t have but with any luck some of that will get taken care of soon. I’m getting a pay check soon which is going toward living for I may very well die if it does not. A bed is coming my way soon as well via my parents. I’m really thankfull that they are giving me a hand in getting out of the house because I’m not into that whole suffering to be on your own bit.

I’m tired of feeling dejected, dissapointed, neglected, and unwanted. It’s no one’s fault really either except my own because I keep setting myself up for dissapointments which usually will entail one of those other emotions.

I really wish I could write out exactly what I mean or what happened too but I’m too worried that in doing so I might hurt someone and I don’t want that at all. I havn’t been able to just write in my journal entirely honostly in ages, which is part of why I started keeping both this and a physical journal at home. Some people have / can have the right to read that, but sadly the very people I’d give that right to are probably not all that interested.

As part of our housewarming gift, Alex and I were given an incredible amount of alcohol, and as greatful as I was then for it, I’m even more greatful now. I know alcohol is not the solution to anything, and I’ll be sure not to drink myself sick or dead, but just now it’s providing a nice bandage for my emotions. Combined with a good bit of Johnny the Homocidal Maniac it’s almost the perfect cure.

I really need to update WordPress … again. Jesus the guys at WP have been busy recently. It’s not bad though, so long as you keep updated you avoid lots of problems like comment spam-bots, glitches, and the like. With the new update, will come my new layout *I promise* I finaly think I’ve settled into my new schedule here and even though I work 10hrs a day I get weekends, including fridays, off. Which gives me a good amount of time to fiddle with assuming I’m not fiddling with something else. Fat chance of that though.

There’s like dozens of cute girls (probably too cute for me. but what good is confidence?) in this computer lab. the merger of girl and computer is almost beyond my tolerance. i see now, how cruelty and kindness are more of a loop than a spectrum, as i now experience both sensations in alternating pulses of bliss and pain. Upon the thought of maybe talking to one, i die several times in the span of a few seconds; i imagine life without this incessant need to foil myself at every turn, and i can only take joy in my singular expertise in it. not everyone is as good at foiling as i am. one bad foiling motherfucker.

*dejected sigh*
maybe i’ll do some drugs or use a mac or something else self-destructive. or make more lj posts so they can reverberate in the abject emptiness of my journal.

So the internet has finaly come back around, like I knew she would, she always does. This time I hope she actually unpacks her bags and stays. School thinks I don’t exist, again, that’s twice (third strike and I swear I’m out). Work is going better than I expected, though I am somewhat afraid of the possibility of inconsistant hours. Though the way things are going now that doesn’t look like it will be a problem. I’ll re-do layout when life is settled here to reflect the move.

So. If ever i chose to relocate the greater majority of my life/belongings in the space of mere hours–those being wholly inadequete for such a task–again, i hope i at least kill ramiro first T_T kill him with the pain of a thousand heavy, finger eating TV’s.
Even though the actual action of moving was done at a somewhat impressive rate, the lack of orginazation and sleep really started to hurt us towards the end of the night (and into the morning /cry ); notable is the Shower Curtain Incident and The OMGNOFUCKINGLIGHTS Incident Oh yeah. The internet. it hurts to live without you, dear. Thursday is ages of untold anguish away.

THIS IS ALL FUCKING BOB’S FAULT!!! DAMN YOU BOB FROM COMCAST!!

Well. i’m back.
I’m really at a crossroads now. i’ve really sat on my ass for too long. i’ve got my sights set on possibly SPACECOM, or maybe the Fire Academy. like, i have school to go to, and i could get a job–and maybe that would satisfy me. maybe. There’s a possibilty i’ll be deployed to Lake New Orleans–will prove to be a life altering/fucking up experience. i almost feel like volunteering for the desert. but–other times, i just want to find a wonderfully nerdy girl at clark and make kinky sex all day. sigh.

And if i die today, i’ll be a happy phantom.